INTRODUCTION: HOW I DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO SUCCESSFUL COMMUNICATION WITH TODDLERS

“The real voyage of discovery consists, not in seeking out new lands, but in having a new vision.” —Marcel Proust

Where did your baby go? One day you’re cradling a tiny newborn in your arms, all of parenthood stretched out in front of you. Then before you know it, you’re living with an all-new creature—cuter than ever, but suddenly upright, opinionated, headstrong, and lightning fast. Welcome to toddlerhood!

Toddlerhood is one of the high points of parenthood. There’s nothing like a one-, two-, or three-year-old to help you see the world in wonderful new ways. The bugs in the grass…the shapes in the clouds…the “castles” in a pile of sand. Toddlers brim with curiosity, excitement and irresistible charm.

But as we all know, toddlerhood isn’t non-stop fun. It’s more like three parts party mixed with two parts wrestling match and one part jungle safari. Why so wild? Because during these three short years the most amazing, explosive developments in a person’s life occur! From walking, to speaking, to making first friends, to solving problems, toddlers achieve all of the major developmental milestones that make human beings unique and extraordinary. It’s no exaggeration to say that between ages one and four our children are transformed from wobbly, adorable little monkey-like infants into singing, joking, thoughtful little people.

PROGRESS HAS ITS PRICE!
All that progress comes at a cost—mainly in wear and tear on your back, your patience, and your sanity. Anyone living with a toddler knows how quickly the emotional climate can shift. One minute all is bliss. Then bam! They grunt, cry, scream and explode into a tantrum (often in the most embarrassing places). Despite your best intentions, it can feel like the only words you know are: “No!” “Stop!” and “Don’t touch!” And that’s no fun.
No wonder pediatricians find that questions about toddler behavior top parents’ concerns. And the dozens of books and thousands of articles written on the subject offer further proof that, if you’re having frequent struggles with your toddler, you’re not alone.

For centuries, parents have tried to figure out how to get their little kids to behave. Spanking, isolation, and strict limits were promoted as the only way to keep resistant toddlers from becoming disrespectful children and rebellious youth. Even during the last century, leading authorities warned against the evils of “kissing and cuddling” and cautioned parents not to “spare the rod and spoil the child.” When I was growing up it was common to hear parents yelling, “Shut up, or I’ll really give you something to cry about!”

Fortunately the past fifty years have given us exciting insights into what makes children tick. Today we know the destructive effects of rejection and hurtful words, and we’re taught to acknowledge our children’s frustrations with love. Surprisingly, however, as helpful as patient explanations and discussions of feelings can be with big kids, that logical approach often fails to soothe agitated little toddlers.

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A NEW MINDSET: YOUR SWEET LITTLE…NEANDERTHAL?

In my first book, THE HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK, I explain how calming even the fussiest infants is easy once you can see the world from their point of view. Inside the womb newborns are continually fed, shushed, jiggled and cuddled (the sound our fetuses hear is louder than a vacuum cleaner…24/7). But once they’re born we leave them alone, in almost total stillness, for hours a day! No wonder so many babies have trouble adjusting during those first three months.

That essential insight led me to the discovery of the “calming reflex” (the off-switch for crying that all babies are born with) which parents can learn to turn on by recreating the coziness, the sounds, and the rhythmic motions of the womb.
Armed with this new perspective, parents became 100 times more successful at baby calming. Similarly, toddler calming is also 100 times more successful when you start from the right perspective.

The insight that makes dealing with toddlers so much easier is that they are, in many fundamental ways, little Neanderthals. I mean no offense by that. Really! But prehistoric humans had only very primitive language and were strong-willed, opinionated, negative, tenacious, distractible and impatient…is this starting to sound familiar?

Let me reassure you that I love toddlers! They’re my favorite of all age groups. They are curious, charming and cute. However, the more I researched anthropology and the latest findings on brain function in children the more correct the Neanderthal comparison seemed to me. Combined with what I knew about fetal and child development and my daily experiences in the office, I became convinced that “evolution” was the key to understanding and communicating with toddlers.

As I put these ideas into action, I began loving 18-month check ups! Once I learned how to speak the ancient language of toddlers I was able to soothe most skeptical, frightened, screaming little children in minutes…or less.

Part One of THE HAPPIEST TODDLER ON THE BLOCK explains the fascinating links between modern toddlers and prehistoric man. Of course, even the wildest toddler isn’t really a Stone Ager, but this general idea is like a window through which you’ll be able to view your child in a profound new way. Once you learn how your toddler is similar to a caveman, your true job will become clear—you must think of yourself as an ambassador from the 21st century to the Neanderthal people!

To do that job well, you need to know not only how your little Neanderthal thinks but also how to speak her lingo. Part Two teaches you this ancient “language.” You will learn what to say and—more importantly—how to say it. It’s not hard, just different. Once you understand the concepts the “Fast-Food Rule” and “Toddler-ese” you will be able to connect with your tantruming toddler and quickly guide her to peace and cooperation. Eight times out of 10, this approach, called “prehistoric parenting”, will work even when your child doesn’t get what she is begging you for. That’s because you’ll be giving her a gift that is even more precious to her than cookies and toys - love, respect, and understanding—in her language!

In addition, Part Two will teach you the tricks of successful praise, limit setting, and discipline. You will learn how to give nurturing messages through the “side door” of your child’s mind, the importance of helping her feel strong and powerful, and the art of successful toddler negotiations.

Finally, Part Three will show you how to apply “prehistoric parenting” to specific problems you may encounter with your toddler including sleep issues, toilet training, separation worries and biting. This section is loaded with practical tips that I’ve accumulated during my quarter-century in pediatric practice.

BACK TO YOUR FUTURE
I know how challenging these years can be for parents. You dream of having a peaceful, happy family. And then toddlerhood turns everything topsy-turvy! That’s why I’m so excited about this new way of easing these roller-coaster years. Not only will Prehistoric Parenting make your child’s toddler years more fun, but they’ll also help you guide your little time-traveler on her way to becoming a happy and secure child, teen and adult.

Over and over again, I’ve seen this simple approach turn tornadoes into rainbows and help wobbly, whining children blossom into the happiest toddlers on the block…and soon, you will witness this, too!

So get ready to take a giant step—backward! I promise you’ll discover that it’s the best way for both you and your toddler to march ahead to a great new relationship.

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Chapter 1
“HELP! THERE’S A NEANDERTHAL IN MY KITCHEN!”
The Gentle Art of Civilizing Toddlers

IN THE BEGINNING…

“A first step is like watching the history of human civilization from small fishy things to Neanderthals unravel in one instant before your eyes.”
—Anna Quindlen and Nick Kelsh, Naked Babies

Tara, 14 months old, is proud of her newfound ability to walk. She tries to practice it every chance she gets. But right now she’s confined to an exam room with me and her mom, Simone. Tara toddles over to the door. “Unghh!” she grunts reaching for the door knob. “Unghh! Unghh!” She pushes against the closed door. Now she turns a pleading eye to me and starts slapping the door. She wants out!

Simone responds, “No, sweetheart. I know you want to leave but we have to stay here a little longer. Let’s look at this pretty book.”

Tara’s mom has lovingly acknowledged her daughter’s feelings (a common parenting tip) and tried a favorite distraction (another good idea). This time, however her efforts , are rewarded with a crumpled red face, an open mouthanda long shrill scream that could shatter glass!

Taken aback by the tantrum’s ferocity, her mom tries to engage her by heartily singing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” Tara screams louder. So Simone decides to set a limit. “Tara! No screaming! Shhhh. Stop or we’ll have to leave, okay?” But by now Tara is in a full-scale meltdown. Embarrassed— and annoyed—Simone offers me an apology and hoists her little volcano over her shoulder; avoiding the stares of the other parents in the waiting room, she hurries to the exit.

Loving parents just like you have been scratching their heads for generations, wondering (and asking their pediatricians): What makes toddlers act the way they do? Why are they so unreasonable and tough to discipline?

I’m going to answer those questions for you. Better yet, I’ll show you the way to a calmer toddler and a less-stressed household. But first it helps to see…the big picture.

AH-HA! A NEW VIEW OF TODDLERS

“A mind once stretched to a new idea never returns to its original size.”
—Oliver Wendell Holmes

Until recently, people mistakenly thought that babies cried because of terrible stomach pain. Then my book The Happiest Baby on the Block came along and revealed that newborns really cry because they need help turning on their “calming reflex.” (Ah-ha!)

With toddlers, the “ah-ha” realization that perfectly explains their perplexing behavior is that these sweet kids, the apples of our eyes, are actually little Neanderthals!

Okay, okay. I’ve had more than one parent look at me strangely when I’ve said that. Please don’t take the comparison as an insult. Allow me to explain how this new way of thinking will become your magic window for understanding what goes on in your toddler’s mind—and help you turn conflict into cooperation in minutes…or less!

“THE LITTLE ADULT ASSUMPTION”: A COMMON MISTAKE

Recently John, a dad in my practice, said to me jokingly, “My toddler is a completely different animal than she was as a baby!” John was more on target than he knew!

Too often we make the mistake of speaking to toddlers as though they’re small adults. They understand so much of what we say it’s sometimes hard to remember their limits. Psychologist Thomas Phelan calls this “the little adult assumption.” He’s right. Toddlers aren’t small adults. Toddlers are unique. No longer babies, but not quite “kids.” That’s why “hand-me-down” discipline ideas designed for older kids don’t work for them! They need a special approach all their own.

People will tell you need to be more strict or more lenient. But what you really need are skills designed specifically for mischievous, impulsive, self-absorbed primitive toddlers.
WHY IT HELPS TO THINK OF YOUR TODDLER AS A LIVING… FOSSIL

“All that is past is prologue.” — William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Amazingly, the more we learn about how early man evolved and how young brains develop, the more we discover that there are many close parallels between them. In other words, your child is a kind of living fossil!

Again, no toddler is a carbon copy of a chimpanzee or Stone-Ager. (Not even when life with one seems at its rockiest!) But, as I will soon detail, communicating with your child will be a lot more successful when you understand how her development echoes prehistoric evolution.

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Chapter 11
GENTLE DIPLOMACY: WAYS TO SET UP AND ENFORCE LIMITS

“Spare the discipline, spoil the child.”
—Dr. T. Berry Brazelton

SETTING LIMITS: HOW TO GUIDE YOUR CHILD DOWN THE PATH OF LIFE

Every parent’s first job is to give their child love, food and shelter. But once your toddler begins to toddle, a new task is suddenly thrust upon you: limit setting. Now your little cave-ling needs to learn that you’ll put the big kibosh on her if she hammers on the window, runs into the street, or eats the dog food.

Your loving limits are like walls that guide your child down the path of life. You may build those walls close together (strict limits with lots of rules) or far apart (permissive limits with lots of flexibility). But I know you’ll set up some kind of boundaries, because her mobility and growing curiosity will force you to!

Your limits will help your toddler learn right from wrong, what is dangerous, and so on. But no toddler simply skips down the path you build for her. She’ll toddle straight to the wall and test it out with pushes and shoves. If the wall (your limit) is firm, she’ll soon give up and continue down the path, but if the wall is “mushy,” she’ll push and push until she pushes right through your limit or until you decide to harden your message.

Your toddler may resist your limits now, but in the long run they will make her happier. Children without limits feel out of control, insecure, and even unloved. No wonder they keep pushing until we take a stand. And that’s only one of the reasons your sweet child may suddenly try to steamroll you!

PUSHING THE LIMITS: WHY GOOD TODDLERS ACT “BAD”

Let’s take a minute to talk about the six reasons why even the best toddlers may sometimes rebel against their parent’s rules and limits:

• 1. Toddlers can’t explore without pushing some rules
• 2. Toddlers are impulsive, self-centered and short-sighted.
• 3. Our rules are often confusing.
• 4. Our rules are often unrealistic.
• 5. We accidentally encourage bad behavior.
• 6. Sometimes your toddler is just having a bad day.

The things that may make our little primitives even more primitive than usual include fatigue; hunger; teething; illness; boredom; jealousy; stuffy rooms; watching parents fight; TV; changes in routines; caffeine (in soda, iced tea, chocolate or cold medicine); and sugar. These problems are like speed bumpsyou just have to slow down and deal with them.

THE ART OF PREHISTORIC DIPLOMACY

“Pay attention to what you like and ignore or discourage the rest.”
—Karp’s law of diplomacy

Your misbehaving toddler can drive you bonkers. But please resist rolling up your sleeves and fighting your tot mano-a-mano. Remember, you’re an ambassador, and you must always try to show dignity, restraint and diplomacy.
HOW TO SET LIMITS YOUR TODDLER WILL RESPECT

“Lord, give me give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
— Serenity prayer

Parents often have trouble setting limits. We alternate between thinking of our toddlers as babies and seeing them as rational little people. That’s why, in place of discipline, we too often try using logic, reason, and conflict avoidance. That’s fine for dealing with calm young children but rather unhelpful for controlling raging little Neanderthals. I strongly believe in treating toddlers with respect. But parenting is not a job for those who are rigidly politically correct. Your family is not a democracy! It’s a benevolent dictatorship in which you serve both as ambassador and ruler.

Gentleness, fairness, and patience are essential, but so are courage and resolve. Setting firm limits with kindness and humility is not an option: it’s your responsibility.

As you have learned by now, however, it’s one thing to decide on your rules but quite another to make them stick. Here are my lucky seven secrets to successful limit setting:

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Box – A Grrrrrrrreat Nonverbal Message!
Another great non-verbal way to show your toddler you really mean business is…growling! All furry animals (and prehistoric kids) understand this sound. A serious look and a low rumbling grrrrrrrrr warns other creatures to stop - now! One- and two-year-olds especially understand this message, though it works with all toddlers.
When you growl, clap your hands hard and fast a few times, put on a stern face and say with a serious voice, “No, no, NO!!.” Then frown, narrow your eyes, shake your head slowly, and give a low dog-like growl.

Practice growling in front of a mirror until you can do it with a straight face. I know it feels like acting, but give it a little time. With time growling may become one of your favorite discipline tools!

“Benjamin understands that I am serious when I make a rumbling growl,” says Claudia. It works better for me than saying, ‘Gentle, gentle’ or ‘Use your words.’ “He immediately stops biting, and though he gets kind of sad, he wants to curl up next to me and be friends. I’ve even taught him to growl instead of bite when he’s mad. Growling gives him an acceptable outlet for his aggression and still gets the message across that biting is not acceptable.

“Now when Benjamin and I play bears on the bed we move our legs and growl! It’s fun for both of us and it seems to release some of his pent-up energy. I feel like a mama bear teaching her cub!”

Don’t be surprised if your toddler acts a little confused the first time you try growling. She may smile or even growl back. If so, add a “double take” to the growl. Here’s how you do it: Simply growl again, this time make an even lower menacing rumble, and turn away for a few seconds. Then, turn back to your child, growl again (a bit louder this time), frown, shake your head, and say, “No. No touch.” If you accidentally smile, bite your lip and look away for a second to regain your composure, then look back and say, “I know my face was smiling, but I am not smiling inside…I say ‘No, no!! No hitting!!’” (If she continues to defy you, consider using a time-out, a technique I’ll discuss later in this chapter.)

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Box: Hitting: How NOT to Punish Your Toddler: Spanking
Violence is obviously a huge problem in our country…and it has its roots in the home environment. That’s why it’s so important for us to treat out children with kindness, respect and self-control. That will help them learn better ways to express their feelings so they don’t end up picking on the little guys.

When you’re feeling really irritated, put your hands together and - clap. Don’t slap. Show your frustration with growling or stomping, not with shaking and spanking.

Spanking: Real-Life Questions

If my son doesn’t respond when I say “no,” my husband gives her hand a little swat. Is that okay?
Here’s the problem with swatting: As your child grows older, that “little swat” will no longer intimidate him. When he rebels, he will require a harder and harder spanking.

It’s especially inappropriate to use spanking to punish your toddler for hitting. You don’t teach your child not to spit by spitting in her face, do you? Some parents eventually find themselves using a belt, coat hanger or stick. Later, children get so big that even those things don’t work.

In short, spanking is a dead end street that sends a giant wrong message: that it’s okay for big people to hit little people. Is that really what you want her to learn?

My father was spanked, and it made him behave, and he spanked me, and I behaved too. So what’s the problem with me spanking my son?
Many parents say, “I was spanked, and I turned out okay.” It’s true that corporal punishment doesn’t always leave permanent scars, but many adults still feel humiliated, resentful and angry because they were spanked.

Most family traditions have value and should be upheld, but spanking is not one of them. In your grandfather’s day, children were paddled and whipped with switches and belts, and they had their ears pulled, faces slapped, mouths washed out with soap, and knuckles rapped with rulers. Let’s leave forcing kids to cooperate by threats and fear back in the horse-and-buggy days.
No offense, Grandpa, but there is a better way!

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Appendix
Ten Steps Every Parent Should Know: The Basics of Raising a Happy Toddler

1. It helps to think of your toddler as sort of a…caveman. With all their grunting and grabbing toddlers often seem quite primitive. In fact, as amazing as it sounds, developmentally they are almost identical to little Neanderthals! Between one and four years of age your talented child will zip through 5 major achievements that it took prehistoric cavemen (and women) the past 5 million years to accomplish: walking, talking, manipulating things with the hands, figuring things out, and forming friendships.

2. Be an “ambassador” to your prehistoric little child. Once you realize your toddler has a lot in common with a Stone Ager (especially when she’s mad), it becomes clear that your job is trickier than just being a “parent.” You are an ambassador from the 21st Century to the Neanderthal people! And as a great ambassador you must guide your child with respect and love; being neither too pushy or a mushy pushover.

3. Follow the Fast Food Rule. This rule is simple: When your child is upset you should take a lesson from the order-takers at a burger joint - always repeat back his “order” (what he wants) before you tell him your “price” (what you want). Toddlers in the middle of a melt-down are incapable of hearing our message (our reasons, reassurance, distraction or warning) until they’re sure we understand and respect their message. So when your tot is upset, before you mention your ideas, take a minute to sincerely describe what he’s doing and how you think he feels.

4. Speak Toddler-ese. Toddlers are pretty immature to begin with but they get downright primitive when they’re upset. So, when you’re talking to your cranky little cavegirl, always translate your words into Toddler-ese (her basic, almost prehistoric language). You can translate anything into Toddler-ese simply by using:

• Short phrases.
• Tons of repetition.
• A passionate tone of voice.
• Lots of exaggerated facial expressions and body gestures (like big smiles, frowns and vigorous pointing).

5. Know your toddler’s temperament. Although all toddlers go through the same phases of development, they each have a unique way of approaching the world. Is your child easy? Cautious? Spirited? Knowing who you’re dealing with can help you tweak your parenting tactics so they work best for your toddler.

6. Keep your cool. Just because your prehistoric little pal goes ballistic doesn’t mean you should too.

7. Encourage good behavior with “respect and rewards.” These gifts are guaranteed to bring out your toddler’s best behavior:

• Respect:
• Believable praise
• Side-door
• Confidence
• Encouraging patience
• Rewards

8. Rely on lots of Time-in. Time-ins are little tidbits of attention and routine that help your toddler feel valued.

9. Use gentle discipline to steer your child’s behavior in a better direction (“detours”). Your toddler’s job is to push the limits; your job is to enforce them.

10. Don’t be afraid to use punishments as needed (“roadblocks”). When detours don’t work to keep your child from misbehaving, it may be time to use a toddler-appropriate punishment.

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